Saying Goodbye To A Past Life Love
I’ve missed you but I’ve barely had time to miss you. I’ve been swamped and swimming in your presence all my life, waiting for you to re-enter and light up my center again. Reminding me to come home to myself and to those around me. Yes, you showed me this, my husband from just a century ago. I will be forever grateful. Yet even with this easy karma just waiting like low hanging fruit, I feel the need to turn away. In this life, right now, we will not continue our marriage. I’m sure there is a good reason it ended the last time!
Something happened between us in the past where we are unable to speak our deepest truths to each other in this life. I don’t know what it was? Did I cut out your tongue or silence your beautiful voice from song. I don’t know, but we both feel uncomfortable telling each other how we feel.
You have a love affair with drugs and alcohol I just don’t understand or care to venture into. My Neptunian ways are sober as hell. I desire deeply to be here and I don’t care to take a detour on my path.
Your mind is the sharpest I’ve seen and your psychic abilities match and exceed mine. We simply swim in a psychic air together. We have known one another for a very very very long time and we were meant to communicate through telepathy, not sound.
Your insistence and your energy is too deeply rooted in the past for me to not feel the overwhelming nature of it. It is the definition of karmic drama. It’s inside my struggles with sexual abuse, in my secretive family rituals, in our long held lineage of magic making. In this life I’ve got to move forward and into the light and you are too heavy, one giant shadow over my current becoming. I love you and I love your shadow but they are not for me to swim inside unabated, lost like a child I would becoming ungrounded and disillusioned from my future reality.
In many ways you showed me the way to burrow myself down deeper into myself, our connection giving me a portal I could drop down into, learning all the little returnings I need to get there. It is intuitive for me to follow you and to lead you. You represent all the parts of me I can barely navigate, the ones that have doggedly tested me my whole life. I will meet you again in many forms and each one will be more intense, more fully present to my ravenous Scorpion desires. I know what it is to dance maturely in the light yet there is still an adolescent longing for wandering the woods in the dark with whiskey in our pockets. Yet I know a traditional romantic relationship is not for us. After about two weeks of lovemaking and fighting I’d be facedown, unable to move and needing to escape, leaving us both bent and broken with yet another hurtful mistake under my belt.
I don’t regret or dismiss your yearnings or insistence. I understand why you want to go towards this vortex, it is delicious and vital and real but it is not for us and not for this time. We have swirled together before, this time we both must move up the helix towards the whole, not be content resting on our laurels. I am your past as well. Speak to me in dreams, hold me with sweet wonder and give me your hand when I’m faltering. I will be the clear sun for you, showing you all of the lines of your face and hands. But we will not try to fit a round peg into a square hole.
I don’t think you can even handle a simple lunch with me without creating various fantasies and projections about our future lives together. This is a serious misreading of what we are here to do. So it is for this reason I say goodbye. Yes, a big hearty goodbye. When this Girl from June usually cuts cords I burn the mother fucking house down, but with you lovely I may just simply let them go as our boats float away from each other across a big calm golden ocean.